If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize