omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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