i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
