Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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