a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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