god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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