Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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