Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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