my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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