i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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