Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize