overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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