i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
