Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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