I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
