I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
