my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
