my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
as a side note pls kill me
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
