i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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