my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
