The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
