I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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