thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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