I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize