I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
