either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
