I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
