So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize