You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
