She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
