he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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