My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
