my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
