can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She's the barista slut.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
