That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
foreskin is a definite game changer
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
