I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
