Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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