alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
