how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
