i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
