I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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