operation harelip BJ is a go
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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