This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
