The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
