happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
