i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
