Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
