toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
