whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
