Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
