STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
