I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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