my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
