I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
