mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
